So, it has been a while... since I posted something before this.
Many things happened lately. I had arguments with my boyfriend, it really broke my heart to know how he don't appreciate me all the while. "Love isnt just cuddling or whispering sweet nothings, its compromising, sacrificing & giving up something just to make the relationship last." Who else won't understand the meaning? My boyfriend.
All he ever wanted to keep was his so-called-FACE. He thinks guys shouldn't be scolded and all but should be treated well, cuddled with so much of love from me. He said I'm always grumbling, and often say that I'm never satisfied with him, always wanting more and everything he does just won't satisfy me, so he's tired and giving up. We had a break up, but I refused.
Then, I tried to approach him by telling him, that it was his fault too. And all he said was, I only wanted to win the arguments all the time, and he's always wrong and I'm always right.
From this extent, I just couldn't stand him anymore, you know what I'm trying to say? He's always saying that I treated him so bad, BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN REALISE WHAT HE DID TO ME AND REFUSE TO ADMIT HIS OWN FAULT AND TRY TO BLAME ME BACK INSTEAD.
So I kinda said this to him. And he said it back to me. It's just so heart-breaking. Oh god, if I ever have the strength, I would let go of him since he can so easily let me go and even asked me to get another boyfriend. But no God, I just don't have the strength to do so. Please save me from these sufferings, oh my Lord. I don't want a boyfriend like him too, like how much he doesn't want me.

Okay, let's countdown. When it comes to countdown, everyone seems to think that countdown is meant for special eve. Well, it's not for Christmas Eve nor New Year, but for two reasons, namely;

i) Countdown for Ron's homecoming. (6th December 2011)
(1 day more from today)
Oh well, I really wonder how many of them who really knows about this to celebrate his homecoming.

ii) Countdown to meet my lovely boyfie in Kuala Lumpur (8th December 2011)
(3 days more from today)

Yeh, I'm shocked that my mommy actually allowed me to travel there to meet my boyfriend, ooooo looks like my mom has got a good impression towards him since the day they met in the airport. I'm very happy that I'm so near to meet him. I know he wouldn't know how happy am I now, because I have treated him so cold since the past few weeks. Of course, for a reason. He refused to spend time with me but with his friends instead. Many would say that friends always come first, then girlfriend/ boyfriend. AND I DISAGREE! Not to a certain extent or partially but 100% disagreement! It makes me feel so left alone. I've always been alone with my family. As I have said before, they don't look at me nor treat me as their own kind. My skin colour is different from them and my religion too! They do not respect me for who I am. I am born to be like this and it's not what I have asked for. It's fate. God's fate.. for me to be raised in their family. I'm so sad. If he understands, I would be so happy. But he doesn't, he's just always thinking of how should I treat him instead. I can say, this is so unfair! I want both of us to be treated fairly. No more, no less, but equal.
Despite all the sadness, I would actually like to thank God for giving me life. I'm sorry that sometimes I tend to tell myself that I hated this life. My life. I attempted to commit suicide at times cause I cannot handle all the forces they have thrown to me. All the depressions are just so hard for me to handle on my own. I just want someone to stand by me and support me by my side regardless of what others think of me...


Happy, yet depressed.

I, I always had problems in expressing what I'm feeling or what I actually felt towards something. Sigh.. I just have got not idea on how to express it. Another major problem is that I always express it in another way and it's not like what I actually wanted to say. It turns out to be different and people tend to misunderstand me. It's so hard to make people understand me. I'm a person who cannot handle stress. I cannot control my emotions and I really hope the only close person besides my mom, my boyfriend could understand me. Well, my assumption is he doesn't really understand me. Yes, I admit he tried his best but when he reached to a certain point when he forgets everything but his friends, he stops. He thinks otherwise. He thought that I was the one who didn't try to understand him instead. I'm in dilemma, I hope he could understand me first. I'm the one who's having so much depression. I know, I've been so selfish all the while. I've got no one to rely on. I'm in a family who don't even care about me. All they care is.. who i am. I'm not of the same religion as them, and yes they treat me differently, they isolate me and not thinking about my wellbeing. When I'm trouble, they run away and never even think of lending a hand to me for me to get up. It's a heart breaking for me to live in such family. I've always wanted to run away, but I know I've got no where to run.. Friends, friends have always been said to be always by your side in thick or thin. But the truth is, unfortunately, no. Instead, what I've really learnt from them is to be selfish. Always think of yourself first, then the others. I'm so sad to live in such community and I've always been so jealous watching other people with their best friends doing things together not matter where they are. They don't care where their friends are from. And there, that's the passion of being friends together. That's my definition of 'friends', literally. So, that's why I hope my boyfriend could understand me first. I understand well how my situation is and I understand his too. Mine is so much critical cause I've got no one here, I don't mingle well with my cousins because they look at me differently, I.. just can't continue this anymore. I need help to get out from this family and this community who only care for themselves.